It had been a long time since I dreamt of my Dad and I missed it. I missed seeing him and hearing his voice, even in a dream or any illusion. I dreamt that he and I were dancing together; it was my wedding day. The music sounded so faint, but being together again, the sound didn’t matter but the words were true to how we felt. It was the song I ended up choosing to dance with my brother in what would have been my father/daughter dance. It was my Father’s favorite song “More” by Andy Williams. “My life will be in your keeping, waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping.” As we danced, he asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was happy and so in love with my husband, Adam. He asked me how I was (really feeling) about everything with him being gone and me having to go through my life and this special day without him. I told him the truth…I was sad and completley lost without him. If he should go again, I couldn’t bear losing him and watching him go a second time. “If you go, I will lose a part of myself” I told him.
It’s amazing how real a dream can seem. It can even make you truly believe that you are in it, making you not want to wake up at all. I told him that those 23 years went by too fast before we found out that he was sick and that we missed out on so much time we could have had together when I was growing up, one of the many important things being dances, especially my wedding day dance with the most important man in my life who held me and loved me first.
“You will always be my little girl,” he said. “I will always watch you and always love you. I was there dancing with you on your wedding day, he said. I was just hidden from your eyes.”
When I awoke to see the morning light coming through our window into our room, I was already crying. There have only been a few times in my life where what was happening to me in my dream was happening to me in real life. Was this really a dream? I will never stop having remorse for the lost time we have but I thank God every day for the blessing of the Father He gave me. I thank God for dreams like this where my Father’s words and love feel so real.
Still in my dream, prior to waking, I cried on my Father’s shoulder and I could smell the cologne that he always wore in his life. When I awoke, I could still smell it. Certain memories of a loved one, you can just never forget. They remain in your memory and they come alive in your dreams. Maybe these things could be considered grief illusions or maybe it was real. Either way, I thank God for it and I ask my Father to come to me and always be with me. Even in dreaming of a time gone by, a moment that I didn’t (actually) experience in real life, be grateful when you can experience dreams such as this. They are truly a gift from God!
“More than the simple words I try to say. I only live to love you more each day. “
“My heart is very sure….no one else could love you more.”