I’m standing in a crowd and I think I see you. I hear someone’s voice that sounds just like yours, that deep strong voice that is engraved so deep in my memory from when you were with me. I sit alone and feel a gentle breeze touch my hand and feel you next to me. I pick up my phone to call you but then forget that you’re not here. I speak about you to others talking as if you were alive. I look at the door at the particular time of day you’d always come home and I expect to see you walk in. These are grief illusions, or so the grief counselor had told me. These things happen when a person’s heart is not yet accepting of the fact that their loved one is gone. These things happen when the grief is still there. These things happen when that person was so much a part of your life that your heart can’t separate from your memory of them. A father’s love cannot be replaced, it cannot be forgotten, it cannot be taken for granted because I would say that it’s one of the most important things in the entire world. This was my dad for me before he died. And I know his spirit lives on and his presence is strong. I feel him most when I attend the holy sacrifice of the mass, especially after receiving communion. That’s how I know, and not just think, that he is truly with God. I still talk to him every day and I accept that these grief illusions may stay for a while but at the same time, they are a comfort to me because it makes him feel more real. He is more alive now than he ever was. God has transformed him into an angel and he is the angel of my family that walks among us. He is the angel of my heart, the cherished memory of my mind, the peace to my soul, the hope for my future…the hope that I’ll see him again. I believe that there are angels that walk among us. They have been given particular and special gifts from God in order to help their family here. They have not left us, they are not dead, they have not forgotten us. They are angels that watch us, look out for us, guide us, comfort us, protect us. I say this to those who are reading that have also lost a close loved one, especially a mother or father. I understand that it is a pain we will always live with, and maybe those grief illusions will never go away or subside, but at least it’s proof that they will never leave you. We have our designated guardian angels but the spirits of our loved ones watching over us, that’s just a bonus gift. My father’s face will forever be in my mind. I’ll close my eyes and see his gentle face, transformed in heavens light. I’ll hear his voice in a dream, so soft, gentle and pleasant, like the tinkling of water on the lake, or the gentle breeze through a field of flowers.
Dealing with grief is never easy but those who have gone through it, can use their pain to help and comfort other’s. So I hope this brings some hope and light to your understanding, that you do have an angel as we all do and these angels walk among us.